Well, this isn’t a travel related post. It might even be a “downer”, so readers are warned ahead of time. Part of the blog getting quiet is pretty simple. The past two months haven’t been the easiest. But I’m hoping that forward motion will begin again.
A Saturday in November of 2004 is when I was first certain something was happening with me. My ex was out of town for the day, and I spent the afternoon around the house. Being a pizza junkie I decided to take a run to Pizza Hut and get myself a thin crust pepperoni pizza. Great stuff!
I returned home with my pizza, flipped on Cartoon Network, and started in to my lunch. Of course, that meant my dogs were close by begging for just a little something. Dana and Madison knew I was an easy mark, and big eyes worked well on me.
A few slices into my lunch I started feeling odd. My chest became tight, my throat tight as well, and my lips were a little itchy. I closed up the pizza box and tried to get comfortable on the couch. As the minutes passed I began feeling worse. The heart rate accelerated, the chest became a little tighter, and I started getting concerned.
As the discomfort increased I decided to move to the bedroom and attempt to get comfortable. I opened the windows to let really cold air in. Whenever I don’t feel well, cold always seems to help. Unfortunately, additional comfort did not come for some time. Lying in bed I thought, “This feels like when I get stung by a bee.” See, I’ve been allergic to bees for years. But the thought didn’t make much sense. I’d had a pizza days before, and had no reaction like this one.
So for hours I went from the bedroom to living room trying to get comfortable. TV on, TV off. Dogs close to me, and then lying alone. For about 2 hours I considered calling the hospital.
Looking back now I know what had happened. I’d had a severe allergic reaction to my food. I don’t know what in it set me off, but it set me off. I know it now after having so many reactions over the past few years. Through 2005 I had no idea what each occurance was, and this past year I’ve known exactly what it is.
2005 was a year of not understanding what was happening to me. Weird blood work, chest pains, sleeping troubles, and marital distance. In the end I finally learned some of what was happening to me at the start of 2006. An entire year searching for an answer. And in that time, the marriage completely crumbled.
Over the past year I’ve started to learn to deal with the allergic issues. And I’ve started learning about being single again. Frankly I didn’t want to learn about either. And I didn’t want to spend 2 years gaining all this new knowledge. Nobody ever wants to learn these things, yet often we all find ourselves in difficult situations that we have to adapt to.
This morning I’ve been thinking on the past 2 years. Has it been 2 years wasted? Sometimes it sure feels like it. Sometimes it doesn’t. During my travels this year I’ve met many wonderful and unique people. If my difficulties hadn’t occurred, would I have met any of them? Probably not.
So, today I’m sitting here (as I often do) wondering what the next step is. I know, I really want to find that next place to call home. And I’m looking forward to the next career. Still, I wonder how I’ll balance everything.
From my perspective I’ve found myself thinking too often that “restarting my life” isn’t going so well. But I’ve been told over and over again that I’m going to have to adjust how I look at things. I’m not the same person I was in November of 04′. It’s a hard thing to accept, but it’s something I will have to in order to move forward.
I keep trying to remind myself of something I read recently in the book, “Every Day Tao” that a friend of mine gave me last year. The book goes through words important in Tao, and I found one I really liked. The word was Inch. Simple enough word. But part of the explanation really struck me.
“Why be so proud that you refuse to take little steps when little steps are all that you can do? If you cannot make grand strides, at least try to move an inch. An inch in one direction, then an inch in another already make up a span of two inches. Gradually, we can improve upon that.”
As a person who was used to making grand strides, I’m still learning to be happy moving inch by inch. Hopefully this year those inches will lead to “home”, something new and interesting to do, and finding new friends to share conversation and time with. And maybe at some point I can get in a grand stride or two. 